The Church of Chris Martin is truly prophetic! We could sense that something was amiss in the life of Chris Martin!
All the other Coldplayers were home with their wives and kids, enjoying some downtime after the BIG TOUR concluded!
But where was Chris Martin? NOT HOME WITH GWEN & the angelic children!
He was apparently out traipsing around at various charity events, state receptions, fund-raising balls, and (as is being bandied about on the interpipes) playing kissy face with actress Kate Bosworth at a U2 concert in Las Vegas! Our Chris - our MARRIED Chris, our otherwise on the straight-and-narrow Chris, our bloody Messiah Chris - slobbering over another skinny minnie flat-boobed blonde! It’s deja vu all over again!
What is so upsetting to the Church of Chris Martin regarding this story is that whether true or not, it casts our Great One in a not-so-holy light! It’s one thing to cat around on your wife on tour - that’s almost a given in a rock star life - but to do it so openly and brazenly is just unconscionable!
What was Chris thinking? Was he so overcome with liquor that his good judgment and discretion evaded him?
Is the accursed coldplaying.com messing his head up now that the “concept album” is coming to life, so that the Female Messiah announcement is denied, delayed or denounced? Something evil indeed is toying with the Great One!
Church of Chris Martin - take to your Holy Shrines and seek succor from the Saints that we pay homage to for the spiritual tools needed to make Chris strong! He must now fight temptation and the bewitching allure of another Hollywood hoochie and home-wrecker!
As much as certain eager and willing Church members and frisky C:O:C: girls would love to get into the Great One’s (ahem) “inner circle”, this is something that needs to be considered AFTER THE CONCEPT ALBUM’S COMPLETION! So I must be the High-Church Elder who, at the behest of Father Drobbingdon, reluctantly seeks to CONDEMN the despoilment of Chris’s good name in this sordid Las Vegas chapter of events. I ask Chris Martin to keep these lustful succubii at a distance, and hope that Mother Gwyneth finds it in her illustrious heart to forgive him his Sin City solicitations.
Church of Chris Martin: REMAIN STRONG & RESOLUTE! We have suffered greater miseries than this and if anything good results from Chris Martin’s assumed shenanigans, it is this - HE IS NO LESS OR NO MORE THAN A MORTAL MAN - with frailties, short-comings, and desires no different from any other human being! Let us draw inspiration that a mere mortal can be such an inspiration and prophesy like the epistles of the apostles!
I know in my heart that Father Drobbingdon is overcome with a sense of foreboding, as he himself has also tinkered with the affections of women other than his wife! This particular scarlet infidel was a louse sent over to entice by coldplaying.com. Let us hope that actress Kate Boswell is not of the same inclination - that is, a harlot working undercover for the wanking Twitterers, aka coldplaying.com!
The Holy War is never-ending, but we have Chris Love to suture our souls! Remain as steel in this fight for website dominance! Amen and Bless all brethren & sistren in infinity! Viva!
The comments here shall form a “marital infidelity lyrics study group”, to search for any hintings at this turn of events in Coldplay songs. CoCM group-mind Go! (Like Voltron.)
WIFE: Chris is married to American actress Gwyneth Paltrow. She said that he’s “the greatest poet who ever lived”, and she played Sylvia Plath in a movie so she should know.
STAR SIGN: Pisces (fish) (Click here for a full reading) - “Pisceans are emotional and self-depreciating, but love history and the arts. They are often philosopers, musicians, and messiahs.”
PARENTS: His mother was a teacher and his father was an accountant, (not carpenter).
EDUCATION: Sherbourne boys boarding school; Ancient World Studies at University College in London; sign painter.
As reported elsewhere, Courtney Love’s Myspace blog recently featured an account of a visit to the London home of Chris ‘n’ Gwyny. Most blogs have edited her rant to make her seem more ridiculous than she really is. But not the CoCM!
What follows is the full text of her post:
“So whoever it was that like HACKED into my Google account (mrskurtcobain@gmail.com) and SENT STUFF to like everybody in my address book… FUCK YOU!!!1! I do NOT think Billy Corgan is a retard!! I did NOT accidentelly snort cornflour!! I DID SO really play guitar on Holes albums! Believe me I actually PAY SOMEONE in Pakistan or some shit to CHECK MY MAILS BEFORE I SEND THEM!! Seriously, I am a PARENT now!! Ive had to like buy three new computers for my house to prevent my DAUGHTER from reading what actually happened and suffering ABUSE fromthese fuckers!!
So Yeah Here’s a story that your all gonna love! I went over to see my BESTEST EVER FRIEND GP and her husband Chris Martin out of BEST-SELLING GROUP Coldplay yesterday. OMG she is a super goddess!!!! I was like panicking and FREAKING OUT that i wouldn’t be good enough for there perfect house and there perfect children and there perfect life. I was in London for the night and nothing else to do but still its nerve racking to go to a geniouses house!!! So I tuurn up with my bottle of so so wine and this dress that like looks like a thrift-store bargin but is by Chanel so FUCK YOU BITCHES!!!! Anyway I wore it with some old shelltoes but so what? I’m a parent now. So Gwyneth opens the door and shes like “Its so nice to see you” and Im like oh God she is JUST SO FREAKIN COMPASSIONATE!!
So Im like thinking, what if Chris asks me to play him at chess? What if GP tries to convert me to Kaballah? What if the macrobiotic food SUCKS?! What if fuckin DAVE BOWIE turns up and Im sitting there with my shelltoes and Louis Vitton and Rimmel panda eyes on there perfect fucking sofa? WTF?! Then GP farted and Chris makes this freakin hilarious joke and i wasLITERALLY cracking up! What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangeroo? A WOOLY FREAKIN JUMPER!
OMG I LOVE THESE GUYS SO MUCH!!!!! She is so sexy and thin but she’s also smart - smarter even than me. I don’t wanna tell you my IQ cos I hate people who boast about stuff like that and I mean who cares anyway right, but it starts with onehundred and fifty!!!
So we meet the kids and there like grabbing at me and I have to tell them that the dress is Chanel and can they back off? So we go inside and GP says that Chris has been looking through his records and has one that I SHOULD TOTALLY COVER. And you know what he was right. Hes a FREAKIN GENIOUS.”
For anyone interested, click below to hear the song Chris selected:
FAVE MOVIE: Titanic
Gwyneth
Bono
Nelson Mandela
Sting
Mother Theresa
As reported elsewhere, Courtney Love’s 