A Scholarly Analysis of the Sainthood Sanctification Process
The World today is in turmoil — fraught with danger, intrigue, deaths of celebrities-from A to D-list, and the continuing menace of coldplaying,com. Must we wake each morning to more bad economic news, saber-rattling from North Korea’s Dr. Demento, and another minor league musician claiming “Viva La Vida” was ripped off from them? Is there hope for our planet? Must life always be a constant struggle against chaos? Can we turn to our heroes for the hope we need to struggle through another day? Does Miley Cyrus really think Chris Martin is hot, despite her own mother’s admonitions?
Yes. We must gird our loins to toil for less… unless we make ministrations to a Holy Trinity that can intercede for us on our behalf and guide the way to greater truths and understanding. There are three parts to any trinity: the Christian doctrine of Trinity teaches the unity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as three persons in one Godhead. This doctrine states that God is a Triune God-existing as 3 persons but being one. Trinitarianism also exists in Oriental and Eastern Orthodoxy, Roman Catholic, mainsteam Angelicanism, Methodism, Lutheranism, and Presbyterianism religious traditions. The Oxford dictionary describes the Trinity as the “central dogma of Christian theology.”
Even the “Great Commission” of the Bible teaches “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. (Matthew 28: 19) So there should be no doubt regarding the necessity of this Blessed Threesome and how the components work together as one to form a more perfect union.
Normally the Congregation of the Causes of Saints at the Vatican in Rome will vote to canonize a certain Saint after a verification of 2 medical miracles has been made. Sometimes it can take decades of investigation and work to look into entrance to the pantheon of saints for a particular blessed soul. Searching for a relic to present to the Pope at sanctification is necessary in that a relic is needed as proof that the person existed. A relic can be something touched by a saint, worn by a saint, or even an actual body part of the saint.
I present this information as a metamorphisis into a plea that The Church of Chris Martin begin the processing of a third Blessed Saint to complete the trimurti needed to intercede on the Church’s behalf - both in earthly and heavenly time dimensions.
Yes - we first inculcated Bono out of U2 into Sainthood, only to have him become “the mouth that roared” insults such as “wanker” and “cretin” at our beloved Soul Master, Chris Martin, thus proving Saints aren’t perfect, but Bono, despite his over-sized ego, is close to it and we’ll take him as the Church’s first official Saint - if not for his AIDS work in Africa alone - I would categorize Bono as the Church’s PRIMARY SAINT.
A LESSER SAINT (and one picked personally by the Arch Pope Drobbingdon) would be Saint Mark King out of Level 42. Now this selection mystifies me, but I have it on good authority that Saint Mark King’s melodies are admired and his fixation on the number 42 is also shared by Chris Martin - which seems to indicate qualification for Lesser Sainthood.
Finally, as the True Widow and a noble Woman of good character, it is I who personally appeal to the decent proclivities of the Church to elevate Holy Assistant Kurt Cobain out of Nirvana into the 3rd element of the pantheon and bring him the spiritual and metaphysical prominence he deserved while on the earthly plane but never quite received. Despite the nay-sayers and the Mormom infidels from Las Vegas who blasphemize Kurt Cobain, he was a good and decent man. Any inproprieties he exhibited while alive in spirit can be mosty attributed to his harridan wife who tricked him into marriage and a nasty drug habit that began in the rainy, depressing suicide city of Seattle. Rest assured, Holy Assistant Kurt Cobain made it into heaven and rests at the hand of the Holy See. Assistant Kurt is ready, willing, and able to assist the Church of Chris Martin, as needed, with just a prayer to beseech him to intercede on our behalves.
Members of this Great Church, hear me please! Cast your vote for sainthood for this fine man and the last puzzle piece needed to complete our trifecta of goodness! When all saints are in place and ready to go, we will finally be spiritually equipped to take on the scourge of coldplaying.com and triumph in power and glory over them. We need the three to attain enough devout goodness in prayer and in thought to overcome the Satans that exist in both earthly thought realms and the great beyond. Until then, I - the True Widow - can only pray and plead for your attention and obligation to the Church that will compel you to take the time and vote. There are plenty of both dead and alive Saints that can be called up next for a vote and of course the first that comes to mind would be dearly departed Michael Jackson.
That would give us some saint diversity in elevating a (somewhat) black man into the realm. I would also put forward a few women for political correctness: Saint Holy Gwyneth Paltrow, Saint Blessed Beyonce, Saint Cougar Madonna, and a personal favorite of the widow - Saint Brandon Boyd out of Incubus. Please pray for guidance on these issues and know that it is I who pleads for your attention to this very important matter: complete the trifecta of the pantheon of Saints and show the devotion and love due to a great man - the late Grunge God out of Nirvana, the dearly beloved Kurt Cobain. Thank you.
July 18 2009 | Church History and Doctrine | 1 Comment »
Brethren and Sistren of the Church of Chris Martin, Chris be with you.