The World today is in turmoil — fraught with danger, intrigue, deaths of celebrities-from A to D-list, and the continuing menace of coldplaying,com. Must we wake each morning to more bad economic news, saber-rattling from North Korea’s Dr. Demento, and another minor league musician claiming “Viva La Vida” was ripped off from them? Is there hope for our planet? Must life always be a constant struggle against chaos? Can we turn to our heroes for the hope we need to struggle through another day? Does Miley Cyrus really think Chris Martin is hot, despite her own mother’s admonitions?
Yes. We must gird our loins to toil for less… unless we make ministrations to a Holy Trinity that can intercede for us on our behalf and guide the way to greater truths and understanding. There are three parts to any trinity: the Christian doctrine of Trinity teaches the unity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as three persons in one Godhead. This doctrine states that God is a Triune God-existing as 3 persons but being one. Trinitarianism also exists in Oriental and Eastern Orthodoxy, Roman Catholic, mainsteam Angelicanism, Methodism, Lutheranism, and Presbyterianism religious traditions. The Oxford dictionary describes the Trinity as the “central dogma of Christian theology.”
Even the “Great Commission” of the Bible teaches “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. (Matthew 28: 19) So there should be no doubt regarding the necessity of this Blessed Threesome and how the components work together as one to form a more perfect union.
Normally the Congregation of the Causes of Saints at the Vatican in Rome will vote to canonize a certain Saint after a verification of 2 medical miracles has been made. Sometimes it can take decades of investigation and work to look into entrance to the pantheon of saints for a particular blessed soul. Searching for a relic to present to the Pope at sanctification is necessary in that a relic is needed as proof that the person existed. A relic can be something touched by a saint, worn by a saint, or even an actual body part of the saint.
I present this information as a metamorphisis into a plea that The Church of Chris Martin begin the processing of a third Blessed Saint to complete the trimurti needed to intercede on the Church’s behalf - both in earthly and heavenly time dimensions.
Yes - we first inculcated Bono out of U2 into Sainthood, only to have him become “the mouth that roared” insults such as “wanker” and “cretin” at our beloved Soul Master, Chris Martin, thus proving Saints aren’t perfect, but Bono, despite his over-sized ego, is close to it and we’ll take him as the Church’s first official Saint - if not for his AIDS work in Africa alone - I would categorize Bono as the Church’s PRIMARY SAINT.
A LESSER SAINT (and one picked personally by the Arch Pope Drobbingdon) would be Saint Mark King out of Level 42. Now this selection mystifies me, but I have it on good authority that Saint Mark King’s melodies are admired and his fixation on the number 42 is also shared by Chris Martin - which seems to indicate qualification for Lesser Sainthood.
Finally, as the True Widow and a noble Woman of good character, it is I who personally appeal to the decent proclivities of the Church to elevate Holy Assistant Kurt Cobain out of Nirvana into the 3rd element of the pantheon and bring him the spiritual and metaphysical prominence he deserved while on the earthly plane but never quite received. Despite the nay-sayers and the Mormom infidels from Las Vegas who blasphemize Kurt Cobain, he was a good and decent man. Any inproprieties he exhibited while alive in spirit can be mosty attributed to his harridan wife who tricked him into marriage and a nasty drug habit that began in the rainy, depressing suicide city of Seattle. Rest assured, Holy Assistant Kurt Cobain made it into heaven and rests at the hand of the Holy See. Assistant Kurt is ready, willing, and able to assist the Church of Chris Martin, as needed, with just a prayer to beseech him to intercede on our behalves.
Members of this Great Church, hear me please! Cast your vote for sainthood for this fine man and the last puzzle piece needed to complete our trifecta of goodness! When all saints are in place and ready to go, we will finally be spiritually equipped to take on the scourge of coldplaying.com and triumph in power and glory over them. We need the three to attain enough devout goodness in prayer and in thought to overcome the Satans that exist in both earthly thought realms and the great beyond. Until then, I - the True Widow - can only pray and plead for your attention and obligation to the Church that will compel you to take the time and vote. There are plenty of both dead and alive Saints that can be called up next for a vote and of course the first that comes to mind would be dearly departed Michael Jackson.
That would give us some saint diversity in elevating a (somewhat) black man into the realm. I would also put forward a few women for political correctness: Saint Holy Gwyneth Paltrow, Saint Blessed Beyonce, Saint Cougar Madonna, and a personal favorite of the widow - Saint Brandon Boyd out of Incubus. Please pray for guidance on these issues and know that it is I who pleads for your attention to this very important matter: complete the trifecta of the pantheon of Saints and show the devotion and love due to a great man - the late Grunge God out of Nirvana, the dearly beloved Kurt Cobain. Thank you.
I have now been in the basement for more than a week. I have not seen sunlight in this time, and while Alex Jones and Coldplay continue to soothe my troubled soul, I am growing extremely tired of Level 42’s Greatest Hits - which I have come to realise, were there any accuracy in the world, it be a CD single.
According to Rapture Ready, Armageddon is closer than ever, but all anyone seems concerned about is some insane antisemite octogenarian who thought he was back in the trenches for a moment.
Yet I have had much time for analysing Chris’s lyrics, and it does seem that he predicted the present parousia:
Can’t you feel it coming? Can’t you hear that sound? (Gravity)
How long must we wait for it?(In My Face) - Not long now!
I want to live in a wooden house(We Never Change) - Maybe he’ll get his wish soon!
And there are many more. But listening again to Viva la Vida and Prospekt’s March, I was struch by how many of the songs from those sessions concern a post-apocalyptic world:
Smoke is rising from the houses
People burying their dead(Prospekt’s March)
Then there was rain
The sound foundations are crumbling
Through the ground comes a bit of a-tumbling (Rainy Day)
There’s a cold war coming
On the radio I heard
Baby it’s a violent world(Life in Technicolor II)
From the windows they were watching
While we froze down below
When the future’s architectured
By a carnival of idiots on show
You’d better lie low (Violet Hill)
We get a picture of a world where it is dark and raining permanently (perhaps Gotham City?). The good survivors huddle on rooftops or in alleyways when not burying the dead, and the baddies - the Catholics, the Bankers, the Scientologists and Coldplaying.com - watch them through surveilance cameras. Time seems to have come unstuck. Is the tribulation immanent, or is the tribulation always immanent, waiting until humanity falls asleep and time becomes soft enough for it to become manifest?:
Time came a-creepin’
Oh and time’s a loaded gun
Every road is a ray of light
It goes o-o-on (Life in Technicolor II)
And time was just floating away
We can watch it and stay (Rainy Day)
I ask somebody what the time is
But time doesn’t matter to them yet (Prospekt’s March)
Yet Chris’s role in this is clear in the repeated phrase which signifies his acceptance of his Holy Office - “Now my feet don’t touch the ground”:
I could hear it coming
Like a serenade of sound
Now my feet won’t touch the ground (Life in Technicolor II)
Now my head won’t stop
You wait a lifetime to be found
Now my feet won’t touch the ground (Now my feet won’t touch the ground)
Cold, cold water, bring me round
Now my feet won’t touch the ground(Strawberry Swing)
That’s all for now. I have to go and eat my can of beans and mini sausages before it gets dark. That’s when the rats come out.
Teh Interwebs is alight with the news that Chris Martin has hinted that Coldplay could split up by 2010. He said, “I’m 31 now and I don’t think bands should keep going past 33. So we’re trying to pack in as much as possible. Up until the end of next year, we’ll just go for it in every sense.”
For those of us whose SPIRITUAL WELL-BEING and ETERNAL LIFE IN THE HEREAFTER depends on this particular Indie quartet continuing to make records and spread the Gospel of Chris, this comes as somewhat of a shock. What is going on here?
DON’T PANIC! (lol!) It’s at times like these that you turn to the Church for guidance, and the CoCM is here for you.
COLDPLAY WON’T SPLIT UP - CHRIS IS ONCE AGAIN SENDING A MESSAGE TO THOSE WITH EARS TO HEAR.
Think about what he said for a moment - 33? Why 33?
WHO ELSE STOPPED PERFORMING AT 33?
33 is also the number of grades in Scottish Rite Freemasonry, a shadowy cabal who rule the world from behind the thrones. They can put a president in the White House, and they can kill a princess if they want to. Chris is once again coding HIDDEN INFORMATION in his lyrics, information that might see him silenced if it was more obvious.
WHO ELSE WAS SILENCED FOR SPEAKING THE TRUTH?
But that’s not all…
Mark King was 33 when he wrote Lessons in Love, Chris’s fave record. Gwyneth Paltrow was 33 when they married. Between them, U2 own 33 houses. 33 is George Bush’s IQ. The Beatles’ albums play at 33 & 1/3 RPM. There are 33 possible combinations of bases in the human genome. Draw a line from Roslin Chapel to the Louvre in Paris, and it is EXACTLY 33 long. If you add 10 and 23, it equals 33. MERE COINCIDENCE?
As reported elsewhere, Courtney Love’s Myspace blog recently featured an account of a visit to the London home of Chris ‘n’ Gwyny. Most blogs have edited her rant to make her seem more ridiculous than she really is. But not the CoCM!
What follows is the full text of her post:
“So whoever it was that like HACKED into my Google account (mrskurtcobain@gmail.com) and SENT STUFF to like everybody in my address book… FUCK YOU!!!1! I do NOT think Billy Corgan is a retard!! I did NOT accidentelly snort cornflour!! I DID SO really play guitar on Holes albums! Believe me I actually PAY SOMEONE in Pakistan or some shit to CHECK MY MAILS BEFORE I SEND THEM!! Seriously, I am a PARENT now!! Ive had to like buy three new computers for my house to prevent my DAUGHTER from reading what actually happened and suffering ABUSE fromthese fuckers!!
So Yeah Here’s a story that your all gonna love! I went over to see my BESTEST EVER FRIEND GP and her husband Chris Martin out of BEST-SELLING GROUP Coldplay yesterday. OMG she is a super goddess!!!! I was like panicking and FREAKING OUT that i wouldn’t be good enough for there perfect house and there perfect children and there perfect life. I was in London for the night and nothing else to do but still its nerve racking to go to a geniouses house!!! So I tuurn up with my bottle of so so wine and this dress that like looks like a thrift-store bargin but is by Chanel so FUCK YOU BITCHES!!!! Anyway I wore it with some old shelltoes but so what? I’m a parent now. So Gwyneth opens the door and shes like “Its so nice to see you” and Im like oh God she is JUST SO FREAKIN COMPASSIONATE!!
So Im like thinking, what if Chris asks me to play him at chess? What if GP tries to convert me to Kaballah? What if the macrobiotic food SUCKS?! What if fuckin DAVE BOWIE turns up and Im sitting there with my shelltoes and Louis Vitton and Rimmel panda eyes on there perfect fucking sofa? WTF?! Then GP farted and Chris makes this freakin hilarious joke and i wasLITERALLY cracking up! What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangeroo? A WOOLY FREAKIN JUMPER!
OMG I LOVE THESE GUYS SO MUCH!!!!! She is so sexy and thin but she’s also smart - smarter even than me. I don’t wanna tell you my IQ cos I hate people who boast about stuff like that and I mean who cares anyway right, but it starts with onehundred and fifty!!!
So we meet the kids and there like grabbing at me and I have to tell them that the dress is Chanel and can they back off? So we go inside and GP says that Chris has been looking through his records and has one that I SHOULD TOTALLY COVER. And you know what he was right. Hes a FREAKIN GENIOUS.”
For anyone interested, click below to hear the song Chris selected:
The World today is in turmoil — fraught with danger, intrigue, deaths of celebrities-from A to D-list, and the continuing menace of coldplaying,com. Must we wake each morning to more bad economic news, saber-rattling from North Korea’s Dr. Demento, and another minor league musician claiming “Viva La Vida” was ripped off from them? Is there hope for our planet? Must life always be a constant struggle against chaos? Can we turn to our heroes for the hope we need to struggle through another day? Does Miley Cyrus really think Chris Martin is hot, despite her own mother’s admonitions?
I present this information as a metamorphisis into a plea that The Church of Chris Martin begin the processing of a third Blessed Saint to complete the trimurti needed to intercede on the Church’s behalf - both in earthly and heavenly time dimensions.
A LESSER SAINT (and one picked personally by the Arch Pope Drobbingdon) would be Saint Mark King out of Level 42. Now this selection mystifies me, but I have it on good authority that Saint Mark King’s melodies are admired and his fixation on the number 42 is also shared by Chris Martin - which seems to indicate qualification for Lesser Sainthood.
Members of this Great Church, hear me please! Cast your vote for sainthood for this fine man and the last puzzle piece needed to complete our trifecta of goodness! When all saints are in place and ready to go, we will finally be spiritually equipped to take on the scourge of coldplaying.com and triumph in power and glory over them. We need the three to attain enough devout goodness in prayer and in thought to overcome the Satans that exist in both earthly thought realms and the great beyond. Until then, I - the True Widow - can only pray and plead for your attention and obligation to the Church that will compel you to take the time and vote. There are plenty of both dead and alive Saints that can be called up next for a vote and of course the first that comes to mind would be dearly departed Michael Jackson.
Day 10
Teh Interwebs is alight with the news that Chris Martin has hinted that Coldplay could split up by 2010. He said, “I’m 31 now and I don’t think bands should keep going past 33. So we’re trying to pack in as much as possible. Up until the end of next year, we’ll just go for it in every sense.”
WHO ELSE STOPPED PERFORMING AT 33?
As reported elsewhere, Courtney Love’s 